Helena Middle School Sports That Josie Played: Part One

I feel that we’ve reached a point of familiarity where I can tell what is perhaps my most embarrassing story. I was less shamed the time I dumped over a 4-foot container of fake flowers during an important scene of Paul Gordon’s Emma at the Repertory Theatre of St Louis in front of about a thousand audience members. Though all my middle school sports experiences involve many nights of going home and hoping that my Mom would just keep driving the car until we reached Northern Canada, my foray into the world of basketball was by far the worst.

I remember deciding to go out for basketball. And by deciding, I of course mean discovering that my best friends were going out for basketball, which in middle school means that I wouldn’t be caught dead anywhere but in that basketball tryout. I think it is important here to issue a reminder that I spent my childhood creating plays, singing along with the soundtracks of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat and Les Miserables, and tap dancing. I had touched basketballs in gym class, I’m sure, but my heart was never in it, and I couldn’t have told the three-point line from the concession stand line. Of course, I showed up for the tryout that I kept accidentally calling an audition wearing almost an exact copy of whatever my friends had chosen to wear, my terribly-curled bangs that hid the acne that was hitting me at this time, and the clear braces that were still not as invisible as I had hoped.

Now Helena Middle School was very generous about 6^th Grade Basketball. If you showed up to the tryout, you were in. After this night, the coaches got together and drafted us from number one all the way down to the very last misguided girl who had decided to try out for basketball despite having no basketball skills or the desire to play any organized sport, let alone a very difficult one. So I wasn’t nervous. I was going to make the cast list. Or team roster. Whatever.

Suffice it to say, the first ¾ of the tryout proved to me that I should transfer schools, change my name, and refrain from ever coming near a basketball court again. I missed every single shot in the free throw segment, I lost my breath quickly when running, and in some mock games, I couldn’t get the ball, and what’s more, I was trying with every fiber of my being to avoid it.

I think it is important to remember here that I am a middle school girl, which means that in ANY given situation, everyone else is behaving properly and I have no idea what the rules are or how to avoid making a fool of myself.

Which brings me to the final mock game of the tryout. I am playing my usual sports strategy:

1.   See the ball.

2.   Run away.

At least 80 sixth grade girls are standing in the gymnasium, and of course I am SURE that they are all watching only me as I avoid the ball, trip awkwardly around and suddenly, the worst happens. Someone throws the ball directly at me. I wish this was one of those moments where life slowed down and I was filled with terror and excitement and threw it in the direction of the basket for a perfect swish. Instead, the ball came at me going about 94 miles per hour, and when I caught it, I did the only thing that seemed natural. I headed for the basket. Suddenly, a rush fills me. No one is blocking me, I am getting closer and closer to scoring, I have remembered to run in the correct direction for my team. I might be good at basketball.

And the whistle blows. The coach yells loudly that I was traveling. I am confused. She’s not wrong; I was definitely traveling closer to the hoop! I look at her with what must be confusion because she looks at me with the disdain of someone who hates their job and wants to take it out on sixth grade idiots and says, “You have to dribble.”

This had never occurred to me.

In that moment I would have traded anything in the world for a giant drill to dig me a hole deep enough that I could jump in and live on molten lava for the rest of my useless life.

Instead, I began taking ballet class, where dribbling is not only discouraged, it is strictly not allowed. I have been happy there ever since.

SPECIAL EDITION

With over 600 page views, I have reached the level of blog prestige that warrants bringing in expert contributors to answer some fan questions. The first question I have received is from a totally impartial megafan of http;//josieblogsaboutsports.blogspot.com , my father. Here is the request: “I want a story on the Huskers' coaching staff situation.” Now buckle your seatbelts, because this is about to get confusing. You are reading “Josie Blogs About Sports” which is undoubtedly making this a great day for you. I am Josie. I am a girl and my name is pronounced like Joe-see. In four and a half sentences, you will switch to be reading “Josey Blogs About Sports,” which is written by Josey. Josey is a boy and his name is pronounced like Joe-zee. See the difference? Yeah, I didn’t think so. We’ll work on it. Anyway, without further ado: 

If average collegiate football coaches are an American dime a dozen, Bo Pelini better have 600 Kuwaiti fils.  The Nebraska head football coach is looking to add or promote six positions on his coaching staff. 

Linebackers coach Mike Ekeler was hired after last season by soon-to-be conference foe Indiana as co-defensive coordinator.  Defensive backs coach Marvin Sanders left the program for “personal and family reasons”  (I assume the Sanders household is stacked with Steelers fans).  Offensive coordinator and quarterbacks coach Shawn Watson is reportedly being released, as is Assistant head coach/wide receivers coach/recruiting coordinator Ted Gilmore, after the company that makes his business cards simply could not handle all of those titles any longer.  NBC sports reports that Pelini is aiding Watson’s search for a job with the big boys in the NFL.

While rumors swirl on who will fill these positions or if they even need to be filled, Sanders, Watson, Gilmore and Pelini were absent from a national signing day dinner that the entire coaching staff usually attends.  Come on now; I know McDonald’s is great, but this is an annual dinner for you guys.

On Canadian Flag Day, I called the rumor mill.  The latest string of names to restock the sidelines in Lincoln is being shucked around town: ESPN has confirmed that running backs coach Tim Beck will be deservingly promoted to offensive coordinator.  Beck has paid his Big 12 dues as Kansas Jayhawks’ receivers coach for three years, including their prolific 12-1 season and three seasons with Nebraska.  Last season’s Huskers were the 9^th best rushing team in the country with 247.6 yards/game.  Hopefully his success will continue after Nebraska’s move to the Big Ten.

Tight ends coach Ron Brown will likely coach the receivers as well the fellas with good hands on the end of the line.  Brown won three championships with the Tom Osborne-coached Huskers in a 16-year-stint with the team that ended in 2003.

New names to Cornhusker football:

Corey Raymond is probably leaving the Hoosiers to take over as defensive backs coach.  Raymond and Pelini worked together at LSU; how cute.

Lincoln native Ross Els, of Ohio University, will take over for Ekeler as linebacker coach.

Rich Fisher, barring an “incomplete” from fellow teachers at Rivers school in Massachusetts, will graduate from high school coaching to join the Huskers, a team that went 10-4 last season in one of college football’s most historically dominant conferences.  Good luck, sir.

Huskers intern John Garrison will help poor, current offensive line coach Barney Cotton by taking the interior lineman off of his hands.  Cotton is probably breathing a little easier already, as not all the 49 sacks allowed last season can be completely his fault next year.

Last season the Cornhuskers burst out of the gate like the true Big 12 powerhouse we were used to in the 90s.  Their fervor began to fade late and they ended the year and their play as a Big 12 team at the Holiday Bowl on a 19-7 loss to Washington.  For their sake, I hope off-season distractions and staff changes don’t affect their play or transition to another authoritarian collegiate conference.

-by Josey MM

Thanks, Josey! From time to time you can expect to hear from Josey on some softball issues like the NE coaching staff or anything basketball-related while I focus on the real things like the national anthem, what to do if you meet a Chargers fan, and competitive Rock, Paper, Scissors.

This has been a special edition of Josie Blogs About Sports. See you Sunday. Go Raiders. 

Now what?

As a brand new football fan, it seemed that NFL season would never end. Week after week of match-ups that gave the Raiders one more chance to eat someone’s brains out has spoiled me rotten! But before I bid a fond farewell to this football season, let’s have a brief recap of the biggest sports day of the year.

Super Bowl Sunday 2011

First, of course, is the National Anthem. Oh Christina Aguilera. I definitely cried as she sang the National Anthem. Was it for her typical vocal gymnastics? No. Was it because she messed up the words? No. Was it because I was dicing onions for guacamole? Yes.

But of course, not everyone was so behind in their game-day preparations that they didn’t have time to immediately rush to their computers and tweet, facebook, blog, and generally throw up around the internet about what an idiot she is. Instead of hate or mockery, I felt extremely empathetic. Let me explain.

I have had the pleasure and honor of singing the National Anthem before sports games all over Helena from Helena High School Men’s Basketball to the Helena Brewers, my favorite minor league baseball team in the universe. No matter how many times I am scheduled to sing this infamous song, it always goes down the same:

1. I accept the invitation to sing! I write it excitedly in my planner, probably with some stars by it. I am fancy like that.
2. Suddenly it is the day before the big event, and I decide to practice. I spend about fifteen minutes trying to remember on which note I usually start. It is F. Seriously, Josie, it’s F every time.
3. I sing it through several times, working little moments, and everything seems fine.
4. I decide to review the words that I have been correctly singing for an hour.
5. Chaos. It is here, at step five that I enter TOTAL PANIC MODE. I am suddenly unable to confirm with myself that I have been singing the right words my whole life. I start doubting myself on prepositions. Gave proof through the night? No, I think it is TO the night. Yes. To the night. No, that doesn’t make any sense. Through the night. But now that just seems really incorrect.
6. I get in the car with my parents and we drive over to Kindrick Legion Field. On the way, I am frantically reviewing verses. I haven’t messed up the words at all today, so I’m sure it’s going to be fine…..right?
7. 15 minutes to the game, and I am a wreck. I stand in the holding pen reviewing lyrics over and over again, which makes them harder and harder to remember.  My cheeks are flushed with the upcoming embarrassment that is about to ensue. A hot white fear is now suffocating me and I wonder what would happen if I just ran for the gate and moved to Canada, where I could start over…..a new national anthem. Alas, it is too late……
8. It’s game time and they walk me out to home plate. Here the baseball players do their part by whistling and making other comments, in the patriotic spirit of course.
9. Panic ensues. I turn on the microphone, they mispronounce my name on the loudspeaker, and I take a breath….
10. It is over. I have no idea if I have just butchered the most important and famous song in America. Except for “Single Ladies” of course.
11. My mom explains to me that it is “gave proof through the night,” not “gave proof to the night,” because why would the night need proof?
12. I sit down with a beer and some popcorn and watch some baseball.

So basically, Christina, I feel for you. It could happen to anyone. And the Packers won, so obviously you didn’t screw up the entire game.

Onto other sports: Next week is the Daytona 500. Is NASCAR a sport? Vote in the poll. 

Welcome to Josie Blogs About Sports!

If I had a dollar for every time I casually mentioned starting a sports blog and someone generally approved of that idea, I would have one dollar. And do you know how I would spend that one oddly-earned dollar? On football cards.

A few short months ago I was just an average Mathlete who couldn’t have definitively told you exactly how many points a touchdown was worth. I considered ballet my “sport” and I waited every year for that one glorious day that I would turn on ESPN: The Scripps-Howard National Spelling Bee.

And then I met the Raiders.

Now I check espn.com for game scores, have NFL Mobile on my Droid, and find myself engaged in conversation with strangers about running backs and drafts and how surprising it is that I am a Raiders fan. I wear Raiders gear and even got a new job for which I wear all black clothing. Coincidence? Yes. Still cool? Definitely.

But the biggest change that football has brought to my life is football cards. I thought that was only a baseball thing! It isn’t!

Here are some hot tips for creating the 2nd-best football card collection ever! (Mine is the best, and that’s not changing, but you can go for second!)

Friends! A good way to start is to buy a pack for each of your friends and then have a trading party. It is crucial to win them over at this event, because at the end of it, you must imply that the next round is on them. You walk away with cards, trading buddies, and the wonderful satisfaction of having guilted your friends into getting you a present.

Money! They are expensive. Get a second job (preferably where you wear your team colors) to support this new expensive habit.

Organization! I sort mine into sensible, related categories. Some of my favorites include:

Raiders-  (OBVIOUSLY)
Historical-looking cards- Vintage is so in right now.
High kicks- Impressive.
Big Catches- Also impressive.
Are we dancing or are we playing football?- Impressive, but in a different way
Cool names- such as TJ Houshmandzadeh, Oshiomogho Atogwe, Nnamdi Asomugha, Cortland Finnegan, and Elvis Dumervil, to name a few
Last names that are nouns- Nick Mangold, Sean Weatherspoon, Sergio Kindle, Andre Johnson.
Last names that are almost real words- Steve Breaston.
Football players I have heard of- Eli Manning, Brett Favre, Adrian Peterson, Sam Bradford. Originally a double card with Troy Aikman and Tony Romo went in this category until I realized I was thinking of Clay Aiken and roma tomatoes.
Know Thine Enemy: Chargers, Chiefs, Broncos-keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
Cards with Fancy Borders- Holographs! Shiny parts! Gold and silver embossed writing!
Cards that don't look like professional football cards-This might as well just be a page for Panthers.
Lions cards I have been meaning to send to Jess-Seriously Jess, I am getting around to it.
NFL players that my mom wants me to marry- Colt McCoy. From the LONGHORNS. WHOA. PLEASE DON'T TELL THE HUSKERS.
Football players in deep thought- Priceless.
Cards from another team's player but for which a Raider is also in the picture-Rare and beautiful. My favorite is a Broncos card with Jabar Gaffney being tackled by a Raider! Take that!

Whew! That was a lot of blogging about sports!

CONTEST TIME:

Send me your best idea for a football card category idea to josieblogsaboutsports@gmail.com, and I will not only feature that category in my collection and blog, but I will also send you a prize! It’s TBD, but I promise it will be cooler than a paper clip and less cool than winning the Super Bowl.

Which reminds me: THE SUPER BOWL IS ON TODAY!!!

GO PACKERS!

See you next week, sports fans.